Love and Mortality
by HelelAngeloi
Summary: Misato tries to help Shinji deal with rejection, then realizes he has a few deeper issues. Set after the fifth angel is defeated. Rated M for language. One shot. Waff.


Authors Note: Hey thanks for giving this a try. I was a little nervous with this being my first attempt at a real story that I felt was worth publishing. Hopefully it won't be my last. This is just a one-shot and it will probably remain that way. I think it serves its purpose as it is and I wouldn't want to ruin it by trying to keep it going. Please review if you have any tips or criticisms.

Disclaimer: As a wise man once said, (Nice way of saying I can't remember who said it.) "I don't own EVA, EVA owns me."

* * *

The air was crisp in the park just outside the geofront. There where a few birds in the sky and the lake was as tranquil as ever. The trees swayed gently in a light breeze, almost as if they were waving to the people having a picnic under one of the larger trees.

Shinji sat next to his guardian, Misato, and her longtime friend Dr Akagi, who insisted that since she was off the clock, he call her Ritsuko. He complied and as he sat on the blanket picking at the food he prepared not too long ago he lost himself in his thoughts. Only Misato's hand waving in front of his face brought him back to reality.

"You okay Shinji-kun?" Misato asked with a look of mild concern.

"Y-Yeah, sorry I just spaced out. What was the question?"

"There wasn't one I just said that the food was delicious and thanked you for offering me to come." Ritsuko smiled as she finished, eliciting a blush from Shinji before he spoke.

"T-Thank you, and you're welcome D-" he caught himself as she began to frown "Ritsuko-san, I figured you would enjoy the change of pace." He smiled.

The concern vanished from Misato's face and her usual grin made itself known before she spoke. "Careful Rits, I can't have you seducing my little chef."

"Sorry Misato, but I don't take up your habits," She shot back " Besides i'm sure he already has a girlfriend. I saw him taking an extra lunch to school yesterday on my way home from work." Ritsuko shot him an evil grin.

"Is this true Shinji-kun?" She said in a mock indignant tone. The smile never leaving her face.

"Y-Yeah." he stammered.

"So how long have you been seeing this young lady and why haven't I heard about her yet?" She asked leaning closer to him.

"I w-wasn't seeing her before yesterday and I brought her lunch because I always see her eating bread."

"Aww, that's so cute Shin-chan, so how did it go?"

He winced "It… It didn't go well…" He trailed off.

"What do you mean Shinji-kun? What Happened?" Misato's look of concern returned.

"I would really rather not talk about it… if that's okay?" His eyes pleading with her not to make him recount the experience.

"Oh... Okay. I'm here if you want to talk about anything though. Okay?"

"Yeah, I know." He smiled but it didn't reach his eyes and his two companions noticed. " Thank you Misato-san." He sounded genuine but the sadness never left his voice.

Ritsuko spoke up. "Shinji, I'm sorry I brought that up I-"

He cut her off. "It's okay Ritsuko-san, I know you didn't know and it's not your fault."

The mood was dead until Misato spoke. "It's okay Rits that just means we get to enjoy Shinji-kuns undivided attention for a little while longer."

He blushed slightly and Misato let out a mental victory cry.

"That's true." Ritsuko agreed "Besides with a girlfriend taking up all his time he wouldn't be able to cook for us as much." Ritsuko grinned at him before continuing. "Misato might go into withdrawals from the lack of your cooking in her life."

He chuckled a bit before adding. "I would always have time to cook for you guys so you don't really have to worry about that."

The women shared a smile and the meal concluded in silence, a comfortable one.

The Doctor said her goodbyes and they went their separate ways. When the duo made it into Misato's car she spoke.

"Shinji-kun, are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, I'm just tired. Even half a day of classes can still be exhausting." he explained

She nodded in agreement as she took to the road. The rest of the trip was spent in silence, save for the tortured moans of the cars engine.

When they made it home Shinji said he was going to take a nap and to wake him up when she wanted dinner.

After a few hours Misato's curiosity won out and she made a call to Section 2.

"Hello?"

"Hello, this is Katsuragi, can you tell me what happened to Shinji yesterday?"

The man cleared his throat out of nervousness. "Yes ma'am just a moment and I'll connect you to his detail for yesterday."

A moment later a new voice was on the phone. "Hello, this is agent Saito. What can I help you with Captain?"

"I wanted to know what happened to Shinji-kun at lunch yesterday." She stated matter of factly.

There was a pause on the other end of the line. Finally he spoke. "Alright, but you may not like what you hear." he warned before he continued. "He took a boxed lunch to a girl named Chihiro Tachibana who sits across the room from him. He asks her if she would like to eat lunch with him and...well it definitely didn't go well. At first she was just sitting there pretending to ignore him and talking to somebody else. Eventually she looked at him and he asked her again. Her reply was 'not even if you were the last man on earth.' He looked considerably confused, before this she was always decently nice to him, so he asks her what happened. She tells him that it isn't any of his concern and turns back to her friend. He bows his head, says he is sorry, and leaves the bento on her desk before turning to walk away. Then…" he trailed off.

"Then what?" She prompted.

"...Then she takes the top off the bento and throws it at the back of his head." he spoke after a brief pause.

"SHE DID WHAT!?" She exclaimed incredulously. "Does she have any idea who he is or what he goes through?"

"Yes, she does and that's...that's the problem captain. Her father died during the battle with the fifth and we believe she was lashing out at the person she perceived as responsible." he said in a low voice

"That doesn't make it okay for her to treat him like that." She said repressing her rage before she continued. What happened after that? Was he okay?"

"After that he walked to the bathroom without saying a word. His friend Suzuhara had to be restrained from beating the girl to a pulp by Aida and the class rep. The Tachibana girl left that day and didn't come back. I checked up on him when he was cleaning up in the bathroom. He seemed okay but asked me not to tell anyone. I guess I can't blame him on that one. After that he went back and had lunch with his friends. Is he okay now?"

"Yes, Thank you for your concern." She said as nicely as she could.

"Don't mention it, we all know he has had a rough time this last few months and that couldn't be helping anything. Do you have any orders for the situation, captain?"

"Yes, if she goes near him again, and the first words out of her mouth aren't 'Shinji I am so sorry' put her in a Nerv holding cell for a few weeks."

"With pleasure captain." He spoke with a smile she couldn't see.

"That will be all. Thank you for your time."

"Anytime captain."

She hung up the phone and stood there for a moment.

 _There is no way Shinji is taking this as well as he wants me to believe he is… I better go check on him._

Knocking on the door and receiving no reply she assumed he was drowning out the world with his SDAT again so she entered the room. She was right.

The boy nearly jumped out of his skin when he felt her sit on his bed. Removing the ear buds he sat up and looked at his intruder.

"Did you want me to cook dinner now?" he asked innocently.

"No I … I heard about your lunch yesterday."

"Oh, I see." He said looking sullen.

"Why… didn't you tell me about that?" she asked cautiously her anger repressed only by her concern.

"Because I knew how you'd react to it, and later that day I learned the her father was killed in the fight with the fifth angel. So me taking her food was doomed to fail from the start." he explained.

"That doesn't excuse what she did to you. No wonder you where in a slump all day." Misato countered as soon as he was finished.

"I know but while what she said hurt it wasn't my biggest concern, and I also didn't have the purest intentions when I approached her." he looked ashamed.

She almost laughed as she responded to his statement.

"Shinji sex is a part of life, it's natural for you-" She started.

"I wasn't talking about...that Misato." he said as his face turned crimson.

"Then what?" she asked thoroughly confused.

"I...I didn't want to be alone anymore." he mumbled.

Misato couldn't respond to that statement because it was what she felt every day before he came into her life. If she knew how to she wouldn't have to drown herself in beer every night.

"Most of all…. I don't want to **die** alone."

This statement snapped her out of her stupor and rekindled her rage. "YOU AREN'T-" She started to raise her voice when Shinji cut her off equally as loud.

"I ALREADY DID!" he screamed at her. "I already did... " he trailed off into a whisper. "And it was terrifying." There was a long silence before he spoke again. All of Misato's anger left her as fast as it had come.

"It already happened. When the fifth angel attacked I died for five minutes before I was brought back and do you know what happened to me?"

"No" she admitted in a small voice.

"There was no light at the end of the tunnel, there was no benevolent god waiting to judge my actions, there was only darkness and my thoughts. Nothing but true solitude and my thoughts on how I failed the entire human race because I wasn't able to do anything, on how I let everyone down, on how disappointed they would be that mankind's greatest hope was killed before he even threw a punch. How pathetic it was to have to rely on me in the first place."

"I tried to think of anything to suppress the self loathing but there was nothing. There wasn't anything in my life that was even remotely pleasant." He let out a wry chuckle. "Even though living with you is the happiest I've ever been if I tried to think about it, it only reminded me of how I failed you, how you would probably be dead soon. So I stayed like that for for five minutes and every second felt like days. Finally I felt a falling sensation and I knew I was dreaming. When I woke up I was both disappointed and relieved. Disappointed that I had to keep living, keep piloting, and eventually die again. Relieved that I had a chance to make some good memories to try to get over my own self loathing."

"So I made a vow to myself to try harder to live a life I could be happy to look back on when I died."

"Shinji-kun you need to stop thinking like that."

"Like what? You mean realistically? Because that's how I'm thinking right now. I know that any battle could kill me, and that's okay with me. I don't want to die but I accept that it will probably happen."

"No, like you're alone. You always have a friend in me." She put her hand on his shoulder to emphasize her point. "I don't like hearing you talk this way but honestly it would be stranger if you didn't. We put a lot on you and I know it isn't fair, i know you hate it, but every time you go out there for us we're proud of you. If, not when, but if you died no one would be disappointed in you, we would have no right to judge you. You've saved the world three times now, as long as you give it your all when you go out there, i don't care if we win or lose. I'll still be proud of you. We ask you to do the impossible time and time again and you pull it off every-time, so if your best isn't good enough then we didn't stand a chance to begin with."

"But...I'm a coward Misato-san, I run away from my problems instead of facing them, I…" He trailed off. Once more Misato had to contain her anger as she listened to Shinji berate himself again.

Taking a deep breath she calmed herself enough not to yell. "Shinji-kun everyone at Nerv heard your scream before you blacked out. It made my blood chill, and I'm not the only one. I saw Maya break down after we retrieved you. You were literally being boiled alive inside the entry plug until we pulled you out," He tried not to wince as he recalled the sensation of his flesh burning off. "and in that instance you felt more pain than all other people at Nerv combined. Fear is a natural response to not wanting to go through that again. We made our plan with you in mind but nobody but me believed you would pilot again."

"Do you know what you did?" She asked rhetorically "You got out of the hospital bed, got back into the Eva, took another direct hit from the angel before Rei could get to you, lined up the shot, and killed that son-of-a-bitch. Now is that something a coward would do? No it isn't." She answered her own question. "That was the single bravest act I have ever seen any human being commit. And that human being was you Shinji, you're capable of truly amazing feats you just need to believe in yourself." She shot him a smile before continuing. "And if any girl from your school saw that they would drop their panties for you without a second thought."

"M-M-M-Misato-san thats-" He began.

"Oh relax," she let out a brief laugh and went on. "It was just a joke. Though come to think of it, it probably is true. Hey, want me to try and get that footage declassified so you can get laid?"

His face began to turn crimson and she knew her mission was accomplished. She pulled him into a bear hug and held him there as she continued.

"We know we ask too much of you and no one would argue that you suffer when you shouldn't be made to. If there were any other way, we wouldn't have you do it, but there isn't. So we do what we have to.

"You on the other hand make a conscious decision to pilot every-time. We may not show it but everyone at Nerv is grateful for that. You have a choice whether you believe you do or not and if you chose not to pilot I wouldn't hold it against you, but it makes me even prouder of you for still doing it. You stand for everyone on this planet, be proud of that."

She released him enough to hold him by his shoulders and stare into his sad blue eyes.

"One more thing, please don't be afraid to tell me if you have a problem. Don't tell yourself that i'm busy or you're not worth the trouble. If anything is bothering you, I want to know as soon as you are ready to talk about it. Not because I'm your commanding officer, not because I'm your guardian, but because I care about you and I want to be there for you whenever you need somebody. Can you do that for me Shinji-kun?"

He could feel the tears well up and he tried to speak but all he could do was whimper as he nodded in confirmation before jumping into Misato's embrace and crying hard on her shoulder.

She held him for a minute before her teasing urge needed to be satisfied.

"Hey, I thought you were a boy, toughen up a little." He went rigid and tried to slowly pull away, afraid he had upset her. She squeezed him back against her with all her might and whispered into his ear.

"Just a joke Shinji-kun, you stay as long as you need to honey." Mentally she scolded herself for her lack of tact. _Time and a place Misato, time and a place. He's vulnerable and crying on you, neither the correct time nor place._

His reply was to push further into her shoulder and mix laughter with his sobs.

Eventually he calmed down enough to pull away and look at his guardian.

Wiping away tears he spoke. "I-I should go start dinner." He rose and made it to the door before he stopped and turned toward Misato.

"Misato-san… T-Thank you for everything." He said as he smiled as brightly as she had ever seen him.

"Anytime Shinji-kun… and if you need to do that again, as long as we're alone, I won't mind." She said with a smile.

"Are...you sure?" he asked tentatively.

"Yes, I am sure Shinji-kun." She rose up and pulled him into a headlock before walking him into the kitchen. The smile never left her face.

 _I should probably find a way to thank Suzuhara for attempting to avenge Shinjis pride. Normally I wouldn't condone a boy hitting a girl but I would have made an exception in that case. I guess it's for the best he wasn't able to though. Still it really is the thought that counts. Maybe I should slip him my underwear tomorrow? Nah i'll just show off a little more skin than usual when i thank him. Shinji's reaction should be good for a laugh as well._

With that decided she grabbed a beer out of the fridge. Then took her seat at the table and watched her charge perform another culinary miracle.

 _His life is hard and it'll only get harder as it goes. I just hope he will let me be there for him when he needs me._

* * *

AN: Funny to think I only wrote this because I wanted to try a story that kept the honorifics. It was a lot of fun. Again please review, I need all the feedback I can get.


End file.
